procyonraccoon | Reading

The one thing I've learned this week is the importance of friends and specifically the importance of face-to-face relationships. We spend our lives mired in our phones and over the last decade I've become increasingly prone to doomscrolling. Current events are making me feel incredibly nervous and insecure, yet we are seeing disturbing comments and images blasted across social media every minute of every day. Ultimately, social media has become an addiction to me, one where I'm consuming so much time that it's alarming, while the psychological effects have been debilitating. All week, sleep has been the best option, but the nightmares have returned in various flavours. This is putting strain on my relationship - which was already strained enough - while Wolfie is now ill and thus the overwhelming cycle continues. Work is dissatisfying yet I can't seem to break out of this sector and I had another story rejection mid-week which is making me wonder why I bother. The fact that last week was the first full week back to the drudgery of work fills me with dread for the next 12 months and beyond. I also perceive threats everywhere, I've been scared about the weather and how it effects my UK home, and I'm consciously aware I'm overweight and this is affecting my gender dysphoria. The increasingly sadistic attacks against trans people, particularly in the US but also the UK and elsewhere, are starting to get to me too and my mindset has become increasingly bleak. I've just been feeling angry and hopeless all week, with no real constructive outlet. The fact it's dark and mid-January also doesn't help. I've been in a bed a lot as, apart from the nightmares, it's the most comforting place to be. Oh, and for some reason, I've had The Tweenies theme tune stuck in my head for the last 48 hours.

Therefore it was good that Blujay was coming to visit as it allowed me to break out of my restlessness and fug and actually do something constructive. He was meant to arrive at 19:25 on Thursday, but Deutsche Bahn being Deutsche Bahn meant that he didn't arrive until well after 21:00. He was here because he was celebrating a friend's 40th birthday on Friday and needed a place to stay over. As we knew we would get little time to chill as Friday was also a work day, he suggested coming a day early and grabbing a meal somewhere. In the end, that meal was a kebab as it was the only place that was open, but it was good to go back there again (even if the proprietor did think I was Ukrainian rather than British).

Once we had eaten and dropped Blujay's bags off at home, we decided to grab a few drinks. Alas, we couldn't get beyond Spandau, and it being the first week in January, everywhere was either closed (Spandau Bierhaus) or dead (Charlotte). In the end, we ended getting on the U-Bahn to Zitadelle and picking up some Brewdog cans from Kaufland and skid-arsing back home to drink and have a catch-up. We talked about a lot of things, including Destination X and Jet Lag: The Game, while Blujay also took me through the permanent residence application procedure. I did this on Friday and am now waiting to hear back from the authorities.

Wolfie was feeling groggy, a prelude to his illness I feel, so he didn't join us on our walk around Spandau on Thursday night looking for bars. He also worked from home on Friday. I had pointed Blujay in the direction of the Deutsches Teknik Museum but he was tired and it was below freezing outside, so in the end, he just hung around while we took various breaks from work to chat to him. Wolfie also installed the curtains in the office so at least the heat can now be retained, while I can masturbate without the fear of anyone watching me (not that I did this anyway).

Blujay left about 3pm to see his friends and we finished work about three hours later. I was so tired, I ended up going for a nap, then we stayed up and waited for our friend to return. He was out past 3am in the end, despite fearing he may not enjoy the smoky rock and metal bars they had planned to visit. It was good to know that there are some good ones over in the Friedrichshain district and we may have to check them out. Last night, as we waited, Wolfie and I ended up watching train videos and dreaming of holidays. Once Blujay was back, we had another hour of conversation and shared some sour cream and onion Gitters before heading to bed about 4:30am.

Today, we had intended to go to the PladeLu Festival at Columbiahalle, but when checking the website for times, the date said 6 June. I had noticed this when I had been emailed the tickets last week too, but thought it was a mistake. We certainly hadn't received any correspondence about a change of date - or at least I hadn't seen any - but upon checking Eventim, the Columbiahalle official website, and the headline act's site, it was clear that the date had been changed. This was slightly annoying, as although it's a day we can do, we'll have to sacrifice not doing something else, neither of us were feeling too energetic for a seven-hour metal festival. Wolfie in particular, who has spent most of the day in bed with a heavy cold, probably couldn't have done it so the switch is beneficial on that level. I could also have gone to Club Animalz at a push - a last-minute one had been arranged for this evening - but again I don't have the energy. It has meant that I've got nothing on this weekend though, so once Blujay had left at around 1pm (he and his friends are off to visit more rock and metal bars in Leipzig), I ended up going for a walk as it was quite a nice yet very cold winter's day. I feel that the lack of sunlight may be one of the reasons for my depression - a minor one relative to the geopolitical hellscape of the world but every little helps I suppose - plus I need to get more exercise too. I'm glad I went out, even if I did just go straight back to bed shortly afterwards.

It's odd when a friend comes around and leaves at the start of the weekend rather than the end of it. I'm glad Blujay came around though as I needed to remember the importance of face-to-face friendships in a world that's increasingly on fire. I'm not sure what I'll do for the rest of the weekend - it may depend on whether I get sick myself - but the plan tomorrow had been to do some writing. My motivation is low, but I guess we'll see.

lupestripe

I had hoped that the post-Festive period would last until at least the end of Sunday. I have been working throughout, but real life rarely impedes during the Holiday Season and things were sedate enough that I have felt reasonably content, or as content as I can feel these days. All of that was decimated this morning with the latest geopolitical news and now all I feel is existential dread.

The plan today had been to go to the Furry BDSM munch at Qualgeist, but I have pulled a muscle in my arm and Thursday and Friday were both rather painful. In addition to this, the nightmares have returned, having not really been plagued by them throughout December. This has led me to feeling incredibly tired, incredibly irritable and incredibly depressed, which has not been a great way to start the new year. It has also been bloody dark and gloomy, which hasn't helped either, but at least the snow has added a little brightness to proceedings. I also managed to do some writing today too - editing two stories based on writers' group feedback - but even there I'm starting to lose hope. When I see writing posts getting far fewer likes than people taking random photos of things on the wrong shelves at the supermarket, it's hard not to be discouraged.

New Year's Eve was the usual. Rarely, we were invited to a few parties, but Berlin is quite feral and we wanted a quiet one. Oddly though, of the six New Year's we have now experienced here, this one was the most sedate by a long way. Usually, the fireworks endure for about three days, but this year it was for barely three hours. The highlight was just after midnight where we went to watch the fireworks from our balcony, with glass of Sekt in hand. We met a few of the neighbours and wished them happy new year, while one toddler was arsing about with a sparkler. Wolfie suggested that it would be a 'miracle' if we were still in Berlin for next new years and I felt quite indignant - there must be some dream I'm clinging to that's wanting me to stay. That is still up in the air of course (see my 2025 year in review), along with so many other things. I can see the pros and cons of both the Germany and the UK. Aside from this, we spent the day on VR, seeing in the new year with loads of our virtual friends. I have fallen out of love with virtual reality of late, but I'll admit that Wednesday was a good evening, and I stayed online well past 6am.

The only downside to this was the day I was most looking forward to, Thursday with Wolfie, didn't really transpire. I had spent most of Christmas Day locked into family commitments, so didn't have much time to myself. Indeed, by the time we had finished cooking the food, it was past 9pm. New Year's Day was going to rectify that, but Wolfie didn't get out of bed until 7pm and I didn't surface until after 4pm. I ended up watching an old Ross Noble documentary on YouTube where he is touring around Australia while we did get to cook the pork steak with pistachio crust Hello Fresh meal as part of our Festive selection. We had some red wine too. It was quite a relaxed day, but waking up at 4pm does make you feel there's not much of it left as it's practically dark by the time you get up. I'm sure this isn't helping my mental health, but at least we've had the twinkly lights on.

Sunday will likely be just another writing day as I have a few stories to finish and January is looking quite busy now. This is nothing compared to February though, which will see me be in the UK for two-and-a-half weeks followed by Nordic Fuzzcon. I fear I have spread myself too thinly again, particularly as I'll only be in Pudsey for three days, but we'll see. In the meantime, January is largely a work month, with this coming week my first five-day spell since November. Considering I have to deal with the immigration people, sort 2025 taxes out, and try and get booked in for an ADHD appointment, it's all going to get stupidly busy. January is also sexual health check-up month so I'll need to go and do that too. Plus I should really try and find the time to learn German, lose weight, and find a new job as well. No wonder I'm feeling overwhelmed.

denise posting in

dw_maintenance

Привет and welcome to our new Russian friends from LiveJournal! We are happy to offer you a new home. We will not require identification for you to post or comment. We also do not cooperate with Russian government requests for any information about your account unless they go through a United States court first. (And it hasn't happened in 16 years!)

Importing your journal from ЖЖ may be slow. There are a lot of you, with many posts and comments, and we have to limit how fast we download your information from ЖЖ so they don't block us. Please be patient! We have been watching and fixing errors, and we will go back to doing that after the holiday is over.

I am very sorry that we can't translate the site into Russian or offer support in Russian. We are a much, much smaller company than LiveJournal is, and my high school Russian classes were a very long time ago :) But at least we aren't owned by Sberbank!

С Новым Годом, and welcome home!

EDIT: Большое спасибо всем за помощь друг другу в комментариях! Я ценю каждого, кто предоставляет нашим новым соседям информацию, понятную им без необходимости искать её в Google. :) И спасибо вам за терпение к моему русскому переводу с помощью Google Translate! Прошло уже много-много лет со школьных времен!

Thank you also to everyone who's been giving our new neighbors a warm welcome. I love you all ❤️

lupestripe

Looking back at my review of 2024, you can pretty much copy and paste most of it for 2025. It's incredible to think that so little has been resolved in the last 12 months, which at least suggests a more even keel. And yet, it doesn't really. We spent most of the first half of the year oscillating over whether we should stay in Germany or return back to the UK, ending up deciding we would see through the five years and make a decision then. This was in November and I am still in the process of dealing with the authorities to renew my status. Wolfie hasn't even started. We said we weren't going to make a decision until we got this sorted, so it's clear we'll be here until deep into 2026.

Some things have improved, particularly socially. Ever since Al Song arrived in Berlin in September, my social life has significantly stepped up. He's encouraging me to go out and do things, some of which for the first time. He encouraged me to go to Club Animalz and Berghain in November, while I went to my very first escape room just this past week. With Notefox also wanting to meet up more, I feel we have developed a nice group of friends here, so this is encouraging. I don't really go to any of the main events any more - the BDSM munch is always too early on a Saturday and the Fureigners meet-ups are registration events and I never know how I will feel three weeks in advance - but I did go to my first Berlin Fursuit Walk in November too and I'm happy doing my own thing.

Things have been pretty relentless since June and I have felt incredibly fatigued. I'm sure the main issue is worry and I know I'm getting increasingly paranoid about a range of things despite always seeking and following professional advice. The UK house being broken into in January hasn't helped in this regard, but I'm just concerned I'm doing something wrong somewhere. Cross-border tax is complicated, as is having a footprint in two countries, while financial pressures are never far away. To that end, I've made a good stab at my freelance business though. Having set this up to accommodate my first client in November 2024, I now have three clients on the books and a fourth is looking likely in the new year. Despite this, this was only meant to be a temporary thing. I would like a full-time job and have applied for nearly 70 this year. Unfortunately, many of these have either been non-jobs or data harvesting schemes, while some I'm sure have already been recruited and the job posting is just a legal formality. It has been quite disheartening, not least because I desperately want to switch industries, but I just have to keep going. Having some publishers on the books, particularly Fenris Publishing, will certainly help position me where I want to be professionally as I'd love to be a full-time editor and proofreader for a major publisher. This is now my aim. How likely that is, I don't know, not least because of AI infecting literally everything, but I am still going to give it my best shot.

2025 has been the best year for my writing, with four stories having been published in various anthologies. I formed a writing group back in the Spring and we meet once a month. I've learned a lot from their feedback and I hope I have been as insightful in return. I also feel I have developed as a writer, having written my best stories in the first half of the year. While I have submitted more stories for consideration than ever before, this means I have also had more rejections too, and I have taken some of these to heart. Still, I feel I have become more established as a furry author this year and my website seems to be doing quite well, so I'm hoping to increase this trajectory in the new year. I've already submitted some panel ideas at some of the conventions I'll be attending, so hopefully this will help too. I do wish that writers were more valued in our community though. I love the little writing niche we have in the fandom, but it's sad that we're not really seen on a par with musicians and artists.

Politically, it has been a terrible year, but at least the AfD did not gain a foothold in the German elections back in February. The current CDU/SPD government seems to be on a pretty even keel so there should be no horrible surprises coming. The situation in the UK and US is more despairing though and the anti-trans panic in particular is one of the reasons we have stayed put in Germany. Seeing the rise of fascism in real-time and the pain it is causing to minorities is heartbreaking, as is the knowledge that I may not be able to see my friends in the US for quite some time. I didn't go to MFF this year as a result, but the positive was I got to see my SE Asian furry friends for the first time in six years and I had forgotten how much I'd missed them.

Wolfie has had a checkered year regarding health, with his legs and feet causing considerable issues. This came to a head in the summer when he finally went to see a doctor. They prescribed anti-gout medication, which seems to have resolved one of the issues, but the muscle problems persist. These are more erratic, so he's going to the doctor again next week. This has severely limited what he has been able to do and he has not gone on that many trips as a result. He sat out SE Asia, couldn't come back to the UK for my birthday (this was the first time we hadn't been together on my birthday during our 18-year relationship) and he couldn't visit Blujay or Petephin in the Summer. It has stopped him going to a range of local events too, while our kink relationship is pretty much non-existent. There have been times where I've had to do nearly all of the housework as he's been too incapacitated to do anything, and I have found this frustrating on occasion. It has certainly put a strain on our relationship and I wish I could be more accommodating and supportive than I am. This year has seen a lot thrown at me though, particularly in the latter half where I've been trying to pinpoint the reason for my chronic fatigue along with having to go through routine medical and dental checks. Ultimately, I think I have ADHD, but despite finding people willing to help, when push came to shove, they fell through. I really should get this sorted in the new year.

Something else I should sort in 2026 is learning German, at least to B1 level. If we decide to get citizenship - for which we are now eligible - I'll need to pass this exam at the bear minimum. I'm not sure whether we will, nor am I sure how likely Wolfie will attain it, but this is a question for the new year. I do kick myself at just how lax I have been regarding learning the language, not least during times when I am lost in conversation, but in Berlin it's rarely needed and that has really hit my motivation. Being stupidly busy has done the same. Losing weight has also fallen by the wayside, as it often does. Indeed, I have probably put weight on this year as I am doing less walking through focusing on writing. This is something else I need to work on in the new year as it's affecting my self-esteem (but the reality is bugger all will probably change).

So it's been a year of treading water really, no different to 2024 aside from the existential dread of politics and the rise of AI. You've got to hope for better in 2026, but with Labour disappointing in the UK and the CDU terrible here, my expectations are low. Still, we do have a good community and I have many close friends, so I'm sure I can get through it. However, things like age verification laws and digital surveillance threaten even that. These are two more reasons why I have not yet decamped back to the UK. I guess we'll see how things go and take them one step at a time, but it would be nice if I felt able to relax. Alas, that doesn't seem like it'll be happening for quite some time.